Tomorrow

Over the past couple of days I have noticed how much J and E have grown up. Part of me wonders if they were forced to grow up a bit because of I coming in to the family. I have been watching them thinking about how incredibly amazing the whole process of raising kids is. How they learn and develop their own personalities. Then I hold the baby and my heart melts again. I consider myself a very lucky person. I never in a million years would have guessed that I would enjoy being a mother so much. I kind of pride myself on the fact that I am doing things differently than my parents did.
So, here is the problem I am having. I go tomorrow for a tubal. I considered this when I was pg with E. I knew then that I wasn't ready. I thought that I was ready this time...but I am second guessing myself. I don't really think that I want anymore kids. For the fact that the time I have now is stretched among 3 of them. I would still like to finish school sometime in the next 10 years and we simply can't afford it. D doesn't want any more either. As I am writing this I am coming to the conclusion that not having a child to take care of means that I have to decide what I am going to do with my life. I don't know the answer to that...so, I will probably have the tubal done...but it makes me a little sad.